Reverie
by AerynsFallen
Summary: Sometimes River wasn't herself. Sometimes she was everyone else. An OOC exploration of River, lost in the thoughts and feelings of the Serenity crew. Small hint of Mal/River. Bit of a random drabble. Rated T for language


**Wrote this over a year ago, and never really intended to publish it. Now, a year later, I figured why not? It isn't the greatest thing I've ever written. I had a hard time with characterization and it's definitely OOC but I can't get better without some criticism/feedback so I decided to post it. First (and possibly only) Firefly fic so be gentle please! Hope you enjoy! **

**Beyond a quick reread to see if it was finished (it was written last summer and subsequently forgotten) I didn't really check for mistakes. Feel free to point them out.**

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><p>Sometimes it was hard. Hard to be what they wanted her to be. Hard to be what she wanted herself to be. She was broken and fractured, her mind a twisted maze of disjointed thoughts and incomprehensible feelings that she wasn't sure were her own. Some days it took all her determination to step outside of her bunk. All her courage to face someone, to be near anyone. She was so often lost that she believed them when they said she was feng le. She was crazy and she knew it. She could hear their thoughts and feel their feelings.<p>

Some days she looked at Kaylee and felt a yearning and an aching confusion. She wanted to reach out and touch her hair to see if it was as soft as it looked. She wanted to taste her lips and see what she hid under those baggy overalls. Some days she was not the girl River. Some days she was Simon with his mix of awe, lust and the tiny bit of derision he held when he looked at her. Simon, who felt such love and devotion for River, the girl he still thought he could save. He didn't think she knew that some days, his worst days, he wanted to leave _Serenity_ with River on it. He didn't think she knew that it made him want to shoot himself immediately after one of those thoughts. Simon definitely didn't know that she was aware that he loved Kaylee. That all his inner turmoil and confused thoughts and half imagined fantasies all amounted to one thing. Different background or not, he would marry Kaylee. He would be the happiest man in the 'Verse if he could only wake up to see her smiling face every morning. If he only had the right to kiss her whenever he felt like it. If only he wasn't such a bumbling idiot that always said the wrong thing and made Kaylee hate him and turn away from him when he was near. River knew all this and more. River knew Simon loved Kaylee, it was fact. But not even Simon knew he loved Kaylee so some days River was confused. Some days she was a doctor, who loved a mechanic, and feared a world she wasn't sure she belonged in.

River wasn't always Simon. Some days she was Wash and she liked those days just a little better. Wash was both happier and sadder than Simon but his unhappiness was less constricting. His unhappiness didn't depend on her well-being. Wash liked her and let her play with his dinosaurs. He believed she was as crazy as the rest of them did but he didn't believe he needed to make her better. She wasn't his responsibility. Wash was also afraid of her, not even Simon was immune to fear. Everyone feared her and Wash was probably the least capable of being able to adequately defend himself if River chose to hurt him, or if she was made to. Wash was well aware of that fact and surprisingly he didn't hold it against her. If it made him wary to be alone with her, he did his best to forget for her sake. Because as he always reminded himself, no one would be able to handle her in a fight, not Mal or Zoe or even Jayne with his stash of guns. She liked when Wash thought like that. His was a philosophy of live and let live. He couldn't always control the way events unfolded but he wasn't going to worry himself sick over it. Some days when she was Wash she would look at Zoe with love and feel warm and safe and happy when she was near. Some days she would want to take Zoe back to their bunk and make little Zoe's and little Wash's just to make her happy. And when Zoe was happy, she was happy and Zoe was very eager to show her just how happy she was, hence the baby-making. Sometimes she would worry about what having a baby would mean. Life in the black wasn't the best place to be raising a kid. Even Mal and *gasp* Jayne had some semblance of a normal upbringing, whatever could be considered normal. Life on a ship was hard enough for them and they were full grown. Luckily for River those days were fewer and farther between than 'normal Wash' days of laid back wandering. And then there were the days when the Captain went alone on missions with Zoe, days when his _wife_ was too busy with the Captain to pay the least amount of attention to him. River hated those days the most. When she was Wash on those days she could barely control the urge to strike out at the Captain and his smug grin and impossibly chiseled features. The insecurity and raw jealousy she felt made her sick. Why was the Captain spending so much time alone with Zoe? Why did they need to plan the next mission alone together on the bridge? She wasn't a distraction, she was the damn pilot and as Zoe's _husband_ she had the right to be near her when she was so recklessly following the Captain, possibly to her death. When River was Wash on those days she couldn't distinguish how thin the line was between admiration and loathing, respect and envy, not when it came to the Captain. Captain Malcolm Reynolds, even his name was better than hers. Who wanted to be named Hoban Washburn? What's that you say? No one? Well you're right. On those days River would try her very best to remember she was River the feng le girl and she would hide in her bunk until all Wash's thoughts and feelings left her alone.

River despised the days she was Jayne, possibly most of all. Jayne hated her and he blamed her for every possible thing that could and did go wrong. Those days she would hate herself. On those days she was so eager to turn herself in that she felt the urge to lock herself up. Course turning her in mightn't work out. Last time it was her ass in the fire, as much as the_ feng le_ girl and her bleeding heart brother. Course she'd keep her options open, something might come up down the road. And in the mean time she could fantasize that the girl wasn't so_feng__ le_ and that she wasn't afraid of her going all crazy moves and shit on her. She could fantasize that the girl was in her bed, keeping her all cozy like. And she could do it all without feeling an ounce of guilt. Girl wasn't her problem and leaving her on some deserted planet or better yet, a planet filled with them Reavers was no skin off her back. On those days when she was Jayne she would count her money and imagine all the women's fine company that could be bought with it. The cheaper the fuck the better, that way she could get more out of it. More value for her dollar, so to speak. Heh. And she'd even have some left over for a good drink or ten. Not that there would be much o' it left. 12 or 13 go's with a decently priced whore could leave a man broke. Okay, okay if she wanted to be honest with herself, which wasn't an often occurrence, it would only be a few times, if that. These days she spent more of her hard earned cash on drinking than fucking.

The days that she was Inara filled her with dread. Those were days that she felt at once more herself than when she was someone else and also the farthest from who she was, the most like an outsider and intruder in someone's mind. On those days she was infatuated with Mal and considered herself in love with him, even when she knew she wasn't. She wanted Mal in her bed, on top of her, inside of her. She wanted to dominate him in and out of the bed. She wanted him to be her slave, as so many other men had become. And yet she wanted him to also remain the same as he was. Brash and condescending and filling her with such a thrill she ached for his mouth on hers and his hands on her body, coarse and rough. She wanted the tenderness he displayed so readily for Kaylee and Zoe and even the crazy River that looked at Mal with such naked longing it made her sick. She also hated Mal and it disturbed her that she could feel such a strong emotion. She hated the power he held over her, the want that made her knees weak and her body flush with heat. She hated the embarrassment she felt when she was near him in any form of polite company. He was loud and uncaring of appearance, when to her appearance meant everything. She hated that he could make her feel worthless with one thoughtless comment on how she made her living. When River was Inara she thrilled at the want she was allowed to feel for Mal because he felt it too and it was a good feeling. It was right. But she also dreaded the amount of hate Inara felt at the same time. Her reasons were insubstantial and unreasonable. The line between want and hate had never been so thin. River feared that one day maybe she could feel this. She was sure that Inara had almost loved Mal at one time and she was sure he had felt the same way. The days she was Inara found her hiding in the secret crevices and open spaces in _Serenity_ known only to her. No one could find her if she didn't want them to. Even her room wasn't private enough on those days. _Serenity_ was her friend and her confidant and her protector. _Serenity_ had never let her down. Only on those days did she let the tears fall from her eyes freely, without fear of consequence.

The days she was Kaylee were fewer and farther between than she would have liked. She was happy when she was Kaylee. Happy because of the simplest moments. When Simon smiled at her she felt a thrill that was wrong and yet so carefree she basked in it. She couldn't help the laughter that bubbled up at the simplest joke. She felt affection for the crew that was brought by love for her family. She even looked on River as a little sister sort. Didn't matter that she hoped one day the little sister part would be a little truer than it was. She loved the markets with everything that was just so damn shiny and exciting. She loved shopping for _Serenity_ best of all. Keeping her girl in the air was not only important but challenging and fun. Course, even if the days where Simon smiled at her were some of the best, the snide comments he made hurt something bad. River loved the days she was Kaylee, when the sounds of _Serenity_ were enough to keep her hopeful, when simply having her family by her side was enough to keep her happy. If River could be anyone on the ship besides herself, she figured she might like to be Kaylee.

River adored Zoe. The days she was Zoe were calm days. Didn't matter what was happening, she always kept her head. And it didn't matter that what she felt for the Captain wasn't anywhere close to romantic, she was free to care for him all the same. She was free to fight with him even when he was stubborn, to worry about his decisions and give him a piece of her mind when he was doing something she knew was stupid. When she was Zoe, it almost felt like she had a right to look at Mal as an equal. Mal was her friend, her Captain, her family. She knew Wash didn't always understand the bond between her and Mal, but who could? He'd saved her life more times than she could count, and she'd done just the same for him. They'd been through hell together, and even if they found themselves in tight spots now, they were nowhere near as sticky as the days when they fought a losing war. The days when River was Zoe, she looked at herself just a little different. River wasn't just some feng le girl. She was troubled to be sure, but there was a lot of hurt done to the girl, and Zoe understood hurt. When River was Zoe, she accepted herself, even if she didn't always trust herself. Even if she was a little wary, she held no ill will towards the girl who talked nonsense. River respected Zoe for watching Mal's back, for loving Wash wholeheartedly with every piece of her, for her reserved nature and dry wit. The days River was Zoe were days she felt the closest to sane.

The days where River was Mal...there were no such days. Not today. There were at first. Days where River wanted to hide from his view because the suspicion she held for herself was overwhelming. Days where River looked at the world around her with a callousness, belied only by the affection she felt for her crew. And yet those crew were those that she chose, and River often felt like fleeing, because Captain didn't think River was one of them. After awhile, it seemed Mal had come to accept them, at least a little. And yet he seemed the most aware of River's gift, cutting through her random thoughts and getting to the core of what she was saying with an ease that frustrated even Simon. And River was glad for it, even if he asked too many questions, when his eyes were a little too sharp as they watched her, or if the smile he offered her was forced. He was the closest to understanding her, but he just didn't trust her. When acceptance, more like resignation to their presence, settled in Mal's mind River rejoiced. She had a deep, abiding need to be accepted by this man in particular. Whoever they were as individuals, they were Mal's crew, and by extension, a ragtag family. He belonged to _Serenity,_ so they did. Soon _Serenity_ became home, more than any place she could remember or dream of.

Mal learned to hide his thoughts and feelings from her, first by misdirection and then by actually blocking her. At first it terrified her. River pushed and pushed at this mind, until he outright told her to back off. The silence of his mind soon began to soothe her. It became a life raft on days where everyone else's thoughts were chaotic, when she felt herself slipping deeper and deeper into a part of herself she feared. A part of herself that wanted to lash out at the voices that invaded her head and simply make them stop.

She supposed it wasn't a surprise that she soon began to admire Mal more than she should. When feelings of gratitude and apprehension in equal measure turned to affection, and even to devotion. He taught her to fly, and it was so much more than pressing buttons and steering. It was freedom. And the day Mal showed her to her bunk, hers and no one elses, she felt like she'd come home. He was crass and stubborn but he was also funny and patient when he wanted to be. His smile made something in her chest squeeze, tightening until she lost her breath. His laughter made her knees weak. It wasn't until she studied the feelings Zoe and Wash felt for each other, or Simon and Kaylee or even Jayne for his Vera that she could label what she felt. It wasn't simply love, it was being _in love_, and it was the most exhilarating and frightening thing she'd ever felt. It also left her with an emptiness that would never be filled. Because no matter the days she was Kaylee, or Zoe, or even Inara, those were just in her own mind. Sanity was something she might never find, and she wasn't any woman that Mal would want.

River resigned herself to a lonely fate. And it soon began easier to think of the life stretched out before her, surrounded by those she loved, but never having anyone that was just simply hers.

Today, River was simply River. A little less crazy than she was yesterday. Even Jayne no longer spoke as if she wasn't there, or made threats as if she couldn't hear them. Today she was flying _Serenity,_ and the wide black was her ocean, taking them to wherever the next heist was. Today she was content, smiling softly as she meandered her beloved _Serenity_ in aimless wandering approved by the Captain. The last job had been easy money, and they had an excess of fuel for once with no set destination. It wouldn't last but she could enjoy it while it did.

_She looks real pretty right now. _

The thought drifted out of nowhere, not quite expected as the voice was Mal's. River peeked towards him, but his eyes were staring into nothing as he sat beside her. She wondered if she should probe, just to see what else he might think, but decided against it. The thought was a pleasant one, filling her with a warm glow. She didn't want to give Mal any reason to regret it.

_She's barely more than a kid. _

River tilted her head, almost as if to hear him better. She hadn't heard more than a random thought from him in weeks, months even. Now she'd heard two, and they were specifically about her. Still, she wanted to see if she could hear anymore.

_She flies like_ Serenity's_ her own. My girls, both beautiful. _

River couldn't stop the smile. It was small, but Mal wasn't as unaware as she might have thought. He glanced over and arched an eyebrow in query.

River shrugged. "I like flying," she continued softly, "And sitting here with you."

Mal smiled, her heart picking up pace in response. "I like it too." He left it at that, his thoughts once more quiet to her.

It was enough for River, who didn't think she'd be given even this much. It was more than happiness, less than love. It was hope.

**Reviews would be appreciated. Thanks for reading!**


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